Dragonfly. Libya.
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“Dragonfly’s magic shows us to see through life’s illusions and find our true vision. It calls us to transform within our lives and reminds us to feel deeply so we will have the compassion necessary to help ourselves and others.”   —– www.animaltotem.com

Sometimes change does not show up as we expect.

Sometimes the idea or lesson of “change” requires us to go deeper, to really take a chance and to step outside of the expectation of  what we perceive change to be.  (You may want to read that again, it’s a little trippy).

Sometimes it is something so different. Sometimes we even find that the change is not outside of us or some variable conditions that we must adapt to, but rather something in us that has shifted and we find ourselves subtly transformed.

I have not written here at Just South of Zen for what I consider a long period of time. That is because I have been moving through a process that has been interesting, challenging, frustrating and in the end, ever so enlightening.

I recently started (and ended)  the process of interviewing for another position. This process was in its initial phases right around the time I wrote my last post. This was not “just any position” ladies and gentlemen, but a substantial move “up” the corporate ladder with tremendous responsibility and tremendous compensation (relatively speaking to the position I currently hold.). 

In the past, pursuing this position, would have been a “no brainer” for me. Of course I want to use my talents, skills and years of experience to move up the ladder. But when the opportunity first came available I hesitated. I hesitated for quite some time. I actually did not move on it until another professional, who actually holds a similar position, strongly encouraged me to pursue it.

Then my ego kicked in.

It kicked in at warp speed.

Why wasn’t I going for it? What the hell was I thinking? I could do the job. I have held similar positions in the past. I should go for it!

And I did. I submitted the required information, resumes, applications, work samples, etc.  I started the interview process with a variety of people,  gradually speaking to people with progressively more impressive titles. But something did not feel right.

Something felt, well, WRONG.

I started thinking about how the time personal time I had and valued so much now, would be absorbed into the time requirements of this new position.

I started missing the time I spend with Mason doing homework and school projects, the time I had to drink coffee and look out at the lake and the time I had to pursue the myriad of creative projects I have cooking. I missed them like they were already gone  – as if they had already been brushed under the rug for this position.

But my ego stammered on and on in my head that this was the logical career step. It was the next move. I was being irresponsible if I did not pursue it with all the gusto I could manage. I was flushing my career down the toilet.

Every time a toilet flushed somewhere, my ego would mutter “see, there goes your career babycakes.”

But I(the real me) really did not feel that way at all.

Sure that voice freaked me out when it whispered in my head in the middle of the night.  But it was also starting to get a tad annoying.

I reflected on all the reasons I moved here in the first place. I thought about embracing a simpler life. I thought about pursuing my creative interests.  I thought about all the awesome things that I have accomplished and all the amazing projects I am developing.

I thought about the reason we named this house and property Dragonfly Hill was because it was magical and represented transformative change. And what on Earth was magical or transformative about moving up the corporate ladder?

 I knew that pursuing this job would slam me back into a box that I had struggled to get out of. I was finally free and I liked the way that felt.

So I put the brakes on it. Stopped it on the tracks. Pulled the plug and watched it all shut down.

I have no idea where it would have gone. Quite possibly, no where.

But it doesn’t matter. Because it was not aligned with who I am now.

That’s the funny thing about change. We go through the motions and think about how experiences or people in our environment change us – how we have to grow or bend to be more comfortable.

But what about change within us? What about those defining moments in our journey when we are able to step away from what is expected of us (both from other people  and our ego) and choose something different. We choose something that allows us to know ourselves better.  We choose something that will deepen our experience of this fantastic and amazing journey that we experience with each breath. We choose something that allows us to truly embrace our authentic self and this  awe-inspiring gift that we call life.

Change is about stepping out of old patterns and taking a risk. Not only the risk of a new job or a new location or a  new relationship (though these certainly do cause us to grow).  But what about the risk of following that voice inside of you. That authentic voice that guides us like an angel to where we need to be to truly align with our purpose. It doesn’t always come overnight. Sometimes it doesn’t come the way we expect it all.

But if we listen, truly listen to our heart, we can hear it. It will guide us. It will lead us to the greatest grandest version/vision of ourselves.

We always have the answers. Sometimes they are not what we have conditioned ourselves to believe they are. Sometimes it is something totally different.

But the crazy, amazing thing for me was the experience of thinking about having to relinquish the time with Mason and writing the  book and teaching yoga and creating art, just thinking about it  made me appreciate it all that much more. It allowed me to return to these parts of myself with a new and deeper appreciation and openness.

I told you I would let you know when “my little leaf self hand landed.”

 Well I have landed – with appreciation and grace.

I am right where I should be. Living my quiet, creative life here on Dragonfly Hill in Camden, South Carolina.

And I bow with an open and grateful heart that this is where I am.

 Quite, clearly, on purpose.